Conflicts are commonplace in human relationships. The Bible is replete with narratives and proverbial statements which border on conflict scenarios and conflict resolution strategies. Conflict cannot be severed from relationships between biological brothers and sisters, Christians, friends, colleagues and husbands and wives. In this qualitative study, the researchers examined the menace ‘conflict between husbands and wives’. There is no husband and wife relationship which is devoid of disputes and conflicts. In husband and wife relationship, conflict situations could arise from lack of sexual discipline, lack of sexual satisfaction, finance, lack of communication and other areas. The thrust of this article was to examine conflict resolution principles in the light of biblical proverbs. Biblical proverbs refer to concise and wise sayings in the Bible, which give pieces of advice about everyday life. This article utilised the descriptive research methodology to analyse the primary (Bible) and secondary (Internet materials, journal articles and books) data. The major finding of this work are numerous biblical proverbs which are veritable means for resolving conflicts between husbands and wives.
The article brought to fore the major factors which lead to conflict between husbands and wives. The authors exegetically studied the chosen proverbs in order to ascertain its relevance to conflict situations. The major contribution of this article is that the messages of certain proverbs in the Book of Proverbs are very useful in resolving conflicts between husbands and wives.
Conflicts are inevitable in human relationships. Amongst other factors, the occurrence of conflicts in human relationship can be attributed to the differences in the values and attitudes of human beings. There is a growing concern amongst scholars to engage in research which borders on conflict management and resolution. More so, many Nigerian institutions of higher learning such as University of Nigeria, Nsukka and Nnamdi Azikiwe University, Awka offer courses which relate to ‘Peace and Conflict Resolution, Peace and Conflict Studies and Principles of Conflict Management’. Again, so many agencies and non-governmental organisations such as Conflict Prevention and Peace Building Initiative and Conflict Resolution Trainers Network organise workshops and seminars aimed at sensitising individuals and groups on conflict management and resolution strategies. These ongoing research and awareness campaign are very significant, considering the high spate of conflict in recent times and the negativeness associated with unresolved conflicts amongst humans. Uncontrolled conflicts in family circles and in some other settings are hugely associated with domestic violence, divorce, death and litigation. To this end, it is always advocated that conflicts should be resolved as soon as it erupts in any relationship because often times, the more a conflict lingers in a relationship, the more it gets difficult to be resolved.
This article strongly posits that conflicts cannot be severed from husband and wife relationship. In fact, conflict situations tend to be on the high side in the first few years of many marriage unions because that is the foundational stage where husband and wife know little about each other’s values and attitudes. Okorafor (
The first three years of marriage is not friction-free because the partners are learning each other. At this period, the foundation of the marriage is laid as each partner learns habits, behaviours, strengths and weaknesses of the other. (p. 61)
It is also indisputable that because of ignorance, lack of tolerance, limited resources, distrust, communication gap and diverse personality traits, conflicts can arise between a husband and wife at any stage of their union.
The thrust of this article is to examine the principles of conflict resolution in husband and wife relationship in the light of biblical proverbs. In this article, relevant biblical proverbs are exegetically studied and applied as a panacea to conflict situations amongst husbands and wives. A biblical proverb is a pithy statement found in the Bible, which expresses some truth in a striking and memorable way. Biblical proverbs are concise and well-known phrases or sentences in the Bible, which give advice or say something that is generally true. In the Bible, proverbs are seen profusely in the Book of Proverbs. Therefore, in this article, biblical proverbs and Book of Proverbs are used interchangeably.
The major finding of this article is that in the Book of Proverbs, explicit statements give pieces of advice on how husbands and wives can resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. These proverbs buttress the right attitude which husbands and wives should exhibit in times of conflict. Most importantly, many of these proverbs have the propensity of reducing the frequency of conflicts between husbands and wives. Philips (
In this article, the operational terms are defined thus:
Conflict refers to a state of serious disagreement between two or more people or group of people concerning interests, ideas or beliefs. In the same vein, McIntosh (
Conflict resolution refers to the methods and processes of ending a dispute peacefully between opposing individuals or groups. Shonk (
Husband commonly refers to the male partner in a continuing marriage relationship. The term ceases to be applied to such a man only when his marriage has come to an end, following a legal divorce or the death of his spouse. From a Christian perspective, the husband by virtue of being the family head is also regarded as the priest of the household whose primary responsibility is to take charge of the religious life of the family and the maintenance of the family altar (Eager
Another common Christian viewpoint is that ‘husband’ is used as a figure of the relationship between God and Israel and between Christ and his church. God is used as an example of the perfect husband who loves his ‘Wife’ Israel (Hs 1–2) and delights to care for her and make her happy (Kelly & Clendenen
A wife is a married woman whose husband is neither dead nor divorced. Williams (
Hermeneutics is a branch of knowledge in biblical studies that borders on the interpretation and application of Bible texts to societal realities. In his work, West (
Biblical proverbs express well-known truths in a striking and memorable way, primarily aimed at forming moral values and characters. According to Eze and Chukwuma (
This section examines some causes and effects of conflicts between husband and wife.
Infidelity is an act of unfaithfulness to one’s husband or wife. Marital infidelity is a breach of the mutually agreed rules and vows of an intimate relationship. It is one of the greatest issues which causes conflict between husband and wife because it challenges love and harmony in a marriage union. Scholars such as Agha (
Moreover, a partner who indulges in sex outside marriage could get infected with STDs and may infect the other. Acts of infidelity has some implications on the entire family. For instance, if a husband engages other women in extramarital affairs, it negatively affects the mother and her children psychologically, physically and financially. It can affect the way a mother interacts with her children because she may be so preoccupied with her husband’s extramarital affair that she becomes short-tempered or impatient with her children. She may be emotionally distraught that she neglects her children and becomes unable to give them the care and attention they deserve (Anyanwu
There is an agreement amongst scholars such as Nwoye (
If a husband and wife do not have the required resources with which to access the basic necessities of life, the marital harmony is likely to be jeopardised. More often than not, lack of finance in a family makes it extremely difficult for husband and wife to live in peace. It makes them intolerant of each other’s behaviour and disposition. For instance, if a man does not have money, everything his wife says and does may seem to be offensive to him. In fact, financial scarcity triggers off more conflicts and deters love, peace and unity (Uzodimma
Communication is an act of passing information from one source (the sender) to another person (receiver). It is an essential value in a marriage relationship. It is the bedrock of a marriage. According to Fischer and Hart (
According to Anyamene (
Many promising marriages have fallen into ruin because of lack of communication. Communication breaks down when people fail to adequately say what and how they feel in a non-threatening manner. (p. 18)
Okoye (
Sexual intimacy is mostly achieved through caring and touching that invoke true feelings which must not necessarily be in the bedroom. According to Dike (
Sex is one of the factors that causes conflict in a marriage, and unfortunately it is also one of the issues which couples rarely talk about. According to Abonyi (
Constant lack of sexual relationship between the couples may lead to suspicion, miscalculations and quarrels on either side. Sex is a bond of unity when constantly shared in love as well as a source of fighting and disunity when constantly refused by either of the couples. (p. 109)
Some women deny their husbands’ sexual pleasure as a way of revenge when they feel that their husbands are not treating them well. Sometimes, men also resent sexual act with their wives. In most situations, it could be that the man gets his sexual gratification elsewhere, which is very detrimental to the stability of the family. Wives should understand that when a man is starved of sex, his potential for adultery is enhanced, so they must perform their God-given duty; something which only they should do for their husbands (Ugwuoke
Biblical proverbs consist of generally accepted life principles which apply to everyone. This is because, generally, proverbs are a universal human phenomenon in various cultures and societies. According to Olajuyin (
Proverbs could produce cross-border peace and reconciliation. Proverbs unify people around the world. Indeed, proverbs can be said to be without borders since proverbs of one nation can be ‘ferried’ offshore to resolve conflict in another nation if interpreted in the native language. (p. 48)
A cursory look at the Book of Proverbs reveals its wealth of wise statements on diverse aspects of life. Biblical proverbs are explicit expressions of wisdom gained by experience, which primarily aim at forming the right character and values. Murphy (
On the above premise, in this section, relevant proverbs in the Book of Proverbs will be exegetically studied and applied as conflict resolution strategies. It examines the proper conduct that husbands and wives should exhibit when they are confronted with conflict situations. It should be noted that the proverbs that will be studied will be rendered in the NRSV of English Bible Translation. The choice of this version is because of its closeness to properly translated Hebrew text. Moreover, the NRSV has a wide range of acceptability amongst scholars and students largely because of its closeness to the Hebrew text. Brown-Von (
One of the biblical proverbs that emphasises the value of forgiveness in human relationships is recorded in Proverbs 17:9:
One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend.
The piel participle masculine verb מְֽכַסֶּה. (which is translated ‘to cover’, ‘to conceal’ and ‘to keep something hidden’ is used to present the theme of the proverb). In the context of this article, the verb מְֽכַסֶּה. (means ‘forgiveness’ because it brings to fore the central message of the proverb). The verb further implies that when there is an offence, the aggrieved person should not let the offender know how he or she feels about the offence. However, in some conflict situations, there may be the need to call the attention of the offender; this may depend on the severity of the offence. It should also be noted that giving room for discussions during the process of conflict resolution may either lead to more conflicts or hasten the process of reconciliation. To this end, wisdom is needed during the process of conflict resolution.
More so, it can be observed that a literary technique known as antithetic parallelism is employed in the proverb to bring to light the power of forgiveness. In antithetic parallelism, two terms correspond with each other through the use of opposite terms. In Proverbs 17:9, ‘One who forgives an affront’ corresponds with ‘One who dwells on disputes’ through contrast. Again, ‘fosters friendship’ and ‘alienate a friend’ are parallel by way of contrast. Habtu (
Proverbs 17:9 is antithetical, explaining how love and friendship can be nurtured or destroyed. The person in the first line promotes love by covering over an offence; the other separates close friends by talking about the matter. (p. 798)
Barnes (
The strength of any relationship lies in the ability of those involved to forgive each other when there are grievances. According to Udo (
Proverbs 17:14 (The beginning of strife is like letting out water; stop before the quarrel breaks out) exhorts that offences should be forgiven as soon as they are observed. According to Habtu (
There are numerous biblical proverbs which lends credence to the importance of hard work and diligence. Examples are Proverbs 6:6–11, Proverbs 10:4, Proverbs 12:11, Proverbs 12:24, Proverbs 24: 33–34, Proverbs 26:13–16 and Proverbs 28:19. The common thrust of these proverbs is that laziness causes poverty and shame, whilst hard work brings abundance and dignity. These proverbs admonish that people should rise up and put their hands, talents and skills to work. In Proverbs 6:6–11, it is unequivocally stated that laziness results in poverty:
6 Go to the ant, you lazybones; consider its ways, and be wise.
7 Without having any chief or officer or ruler,
8 it prepares its food in summer, and gathers its sustenance in harvest.
9 How long will you lie there, O lazybones? When will you rise from your sleep?
10 A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest,
11 and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want, like an armed warrior.
In vs. 6, the writer uses the humiliation ‘lazybones’ to make his point about diligence and indolence. The sluggard is sarcastically advised to go and learn from the ants. A person with gifts of speech, with a brain the size of a whole anthill is told to bend over, peer down, and learn from the lowly ant. The lesson is that although ants do not have a leader, their industriousness is evident in the way they store up provisions at the right time. The sluggard is warned that poverty will come to him as a bandit or a vagabond if he does not learn his lesson and mend his ways (Habtu
In addition, with the use of synonymous parallelism (the use of different terms to convey the same idea), this proverb asserts that oversleeping leads to lack. The two lines of vs. 10 express the same message. Likewise, the two lines of vs. 11 convey a similar message. Emphatically, the message of Proverbs 6:10–11 is reiterated in Proverbs 24: 33–34 with the same expressions. Another common pericope in the Book of Proverbs which emphasises the need of hard work is Proverbs 10:4:
A slack hand causes poverty,
but the hand of the diligent makes rich.
In the above proverb, antithetic parallelism again comes to play; ‘slack hand’ and ‘hand of the diligent’ correspond by way of contrast. More so, the terms ‘poverty’ and ‘makes rich’ are also at the same par through contrast. Diligence is the secret of acquiring wealth. One who is lazy is not only a disgrace to those around him but is paving way for a life of poverty. Proverbs 10:4 teaches that hard work brings rewards and that people must learn to work hard to avoid the consequences of laziness.
Some biblical proverbs also admonish that people should be experts in whatever they do. One of the common proverbs which emphasises the need for expertise is Proverbs 22:29: (Do you see those who are skilful in their work? They will serve kings; they will not serve common people). With a rhetorical question, this proverb unequivocally states that some level of expertise is needed in one’s career or business. The Hebrew masculine adjective מָ֘הִ֤יר which is translated quick, prompt, ready and skilled is used to bring to the fore the core message of the proverb. The term מָ֘הִ֤יר can also be used to express someone who is experienced in their career. A diligent person is not only physically strong to accomplish a task; rather, he performs his tasks with all sense of urgency, carefulness and expertise. Diligence goes with a lot of sacrifices and commitment such as shortage of sleep, reduced pleasure, humility and loyalty. Diligence earns one royalty, independence and respect. Anyone who is skilful in his or her duty attracts the attention of dignitaries and kings whilst slothfulness attracts the attention of common people.
The inability of husbands and wives to have the resources with which to meet their basic needs causes a lot of conflicts between them. When a man is not capable of meeting the needs of his wife and other family members, it could lead to disrespect and bitterness. There are behaviours that a woman may be able to overlook in her husband if he is financially capable of meeting her needs. For example, a woman may not bother her husband to take part in house chores if he is able to meet up with all her financial demands. She may even employ domestic workers since her husband will be able to take care of their allowances. On the other hand, when a woman totally depends on her husband for her needs, it could lead to depression and lack of tolerance. The man gets provoked at the slightest provocation because he is the one who funds the needs of the family. At every opportunity, he reminds the woman that she is a burden to him. In fact, there are quarrels which may never come up if a husband and wife are financial stable.
Therefore, the call to hard work and diligence is not only restricted to men; it is for both spouses. For a marriage to be financially sustainable, both husband and wife must put their hands on deck. They are both encouraged to have a source of livelihood; no matter how meagre. For a husband and wife to rise above poverty level, they need to be creative, hard-working and resourceful. They are expected to be diligent in their careers and businesses. They should have multiple sources of income; rather than put all their eggs in one basket. Moreover, they should be prudent in making use of the money which is at their disposal. They should be able to set a scale of preference, so that they do not end up taking care of their wants whilst leaving their needs unattended.
Husbands and wives should not put up lackadaisical attitudes towards their occupations and businesses. They should endeavour to be skilled in whatever they do. They should equip themselves with training programmes so as to be abreast with the recent trends in their given careers and businesses. For example, if a woman is a tailor, caterer and event manager, she should not be reluctant to enrol for trainings in order to increase her level of productivity and general entrepreneurial performance.
In the Book of Proverbs, there are several pericopes which indicate the power of kind words in resolving conflicts. These problems are admonitions on the proper use of the tongue. They teach that the tongue is an instrument to build or to destroy. The central message of these proverbs is that soft words are a powerful tool in ensuring a stable and functional relationship. One of the most common texts in this category is Proverbs 15:1:
A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
This proverb makes use of antithetic parallelism to indicate the usefulness of soft words and the danger of harsh words. The terms ‘soft answer and harsh word’ and ‘turns away wrath and stirs up anger’ correspond by the use of contrasting terms.
The Hebrew expression מַֽעֲנֶה־רַּ֭ךְ is translated as soft response, kind word or tender answer, whilst the terms דְבַר־עֶ֝֗צֶב is translated as hurting word, grievous words, careless speech or harsh reply. The second part of the pericope which in Hebrew is rendered as וּדְבַר־עֶ֝֗צֶב יַעֲלֶה־אָֽף׃ which means that harsh words increase anger. Grievous words make an aggrieved to flame up.
The core message of Proverbs 15:1 is that soft words are instruments for peacemaking, whilst harsh words generate tension and conflicts. Soft words can be used to cool the temper of an annoyed person whilst harsh words heighten the level of infuriation. A soft word can settle even the most serious conflict. Soft words are for the wise but harsh words are tools of destruction for the foolish. A proud person may find it difficult to use tender words; therefore, soft words are usually products of humility. In his commentary, Clarke (
These proverbs place a call on husbands and wives to employ soft words when they are in conflict situations. As indicated in the exegesis of Proverbs 15:1, soft words bring healing to a relationship whilst harsh words stir up anger. Husbands and wives should not be quick to use harsh words when there is an offence. When an offender resorts to harsh words, it implies that they are not remorseful about their actions. Harsh words make it difficult for an aggrieved person to forgive an offender. On the other hand, an offended spouse should be careful of the words they use; no matter the severity of anger. In fact, biblical proverbs teach that it is better to be silent when one is provoked because anger cannot produce good words (Ozor
If a husband annoys his wife, he should not be proud to say ‘Honey, I am sorry; forgive me’. The same is applicable to wives. The sentence ‘I am sorry’ is a powerful instrument in relationships. It can end even the most escalated conflict. The inability of husbands and wives to say ‘I am sorry’ can lead to domestic violence, separation and divorce. They should avoid the use of destructive words such as fool, idiot, goat, or chimpanzee in conflict situations. Heward-Mills (
Talking to each other at the top of one’s voice is wrong. Couples should be gentle in speech towards each other. Do not be silent to each other whilst nursing a grudge. Learn to tell your wife ‘I love you’. Tell her ‘I am sorry’ when you offend her. Wives should also learn the same. Husband and wife are happy when they use loving and polite language to each other. (p. 35)
Conclusively, good words build a relationship; harsh words destroy it. Good words soften the heart whilst unkind words harden it. The difference between the wise and the foolish is that the wise uses tender words whilst the mouth of foolish utters vain words. This is emphasised in Proverbs 15:2: ‘The tongue of the wise dispenses knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly’. Unkind words ruin and destroy rather than build a home. Words that strike like daggers do not build a home.
Another life building skill which is paramount in resolving conflicts between husband and wife is temperance. The term ‘temperance’ is synonymous to ‘self-control’. Other synonyms are ‘self-restraint’ and ‘self-discipline’. Webster (
One of the biblical proverbs that admonishes on the usefulness of the virtue ‘temperance’ is Proverbs 12:16:
A fool shows his annoyance at once,
but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
Another common proverb in this category is recorded in Proverbs 29:22:
One given to anger stirs up strife,
and the hothead causes much transgression.
The common theme of these proverbs is that the ability to control one’s anger is an important virtue in human relationship. Anger propels one to act without thinking of the consequences of such actions. It makes one to speak carelessly. Anger is very destructive; therefore, a wise person is always slow to anger whilst a fool gets quickly annoyed even at the slightest provocation. To control anger, one needs to be temperate and disciplined.
In Proverbs 12:16, the Hebrew expression אֱוִ֗יל בַּ֭יֹּום יִוָּדַ֣ע כַּעְסֹ֑ו implies that a fool shows his anger immediately without hesitation. The term בַּ֭יֹּום implies that whenever a fool is provoked, he is eager to let out his anger immediately; even without considering the damages which may come later. Another important message is also seen in the second line of Proverbs 12:16 (a prudent man overlooks an insult). A prudent man is wise, careful and discreet. A wise person controls himself when he is offended. He restraints himself and overlooks offences. He does not get bothered at backbiting and offences which he faces on a daily basis. As a result of the self-discipline which he has cultivated overtime, he does not easily get annoyed. Jamieson, Fausset and Brown (
On the premise of the above exegesis, Proverbs 12:16 and Proverbs 29:22 exhort husbands and wives are to exercise control in their words, thoughts and actions when they are in conflict situations. They should not be quick to use harsh words; they should not be quick to fight with each other. They should also be careful of the thoughts which go in their hearts because most of the evils which are committed are first contemplated in the heart. A husband who is not temperate may angrily beat up his wife because of a little provocation. In fact, a man who does not exercise control over his feelings may decide to kill himself and his wife because he feels that he has been severely emotionally wounded and his existence is meaningless.
It is no news that there are wives who physically abuse their husbands during quarrels. The media is often inundated with narratives about women who killed their husbands with weapons, poisonous substances, acidic substances and hot water or oil (Ugwuoye
The thrust of this article is to study the place of biblical proverbs in resolving conflicts between husbands and wives. In the preceding sections, the relevant proverbs were adequately exegetically analysed. This was followed by a critical hermeneutics of these pericopes in the light of the social reality under study. Therefore, based on the discussions and findings of this work, the following recommendations are proffered:
Husbands and wives should devote attention to studying biblical proverbs during their personal and corporate Bible study.
Husbands and wives should endeavour to inculcate the life building skills (hard work, tolerance, discipline, and effective communication) which are explicitly stated in the Book of Proverbs.
Husbands and wives should exercise control over their thought, speech and actions whenever they are confronted with conflicts.
In their preaching and teaching, church leaders should also devote attention to explaining the relationship skills which are contained in the Book of proverbs.
Church leaders should also organise special teachings (seminar, symposium, or workshop) aimed at expounding the life building skills that are paramount in resolving conflicts between husbands and wives and ensuring stable marriage relationship.
They should also preach against negative attitudes which husbands and wives exhibit and that have the propensity of causing chaos and uproars in the family.
Conflicts are unavoidable in human relationships. They are part of the growth process of any relationship. In fact, many relationships usually pass through conflict situations before it gets stable. However, it is saddening that many people do not manage conflicts well when they arise as a result of the fact that they have not inculcated certain life building skills that are paramount in establishing functional human relationships.
This article strongly asserted that conflicts cannot be severed from husband and wife relationship. It examined the relevance of biblical proverbs in resolving conflicts between husbands and wives. In the Book of Proverbs, there are various wise sayings that promote peace, tolerance, forgiveness, discipline and hard work. There are numerous proverbs which exhort on the power of good words in conflict management and resolution. Hence, the relevant proverbs were exegetically interpreted and employed as a panacea to conflict situations between husbands and wives. Therefore, alongside the concerted efforts of various governmental and non-governmental establishments to resolve conflicts between husbands and wives, academic contributions aimed at instructing husbands and wives to inculcate the relationship skills which are recorded in the Book of proverbs are apt.
The authors acknowledged the following people for their input in this article: Prof. Ernest Van Eck; Chukwuma Ozua Kalu; Excel Munachimso Chukwuma; Blossom Ezinne Chukwuma; Jesse Chimdindu Chukwuma; Lodewyk Sutton.
The authors have declared that no competing interest exists.
All authors contributed equally to this work.
This article followed all ethical standards for a research without direct contact with human or animal subjects
This research received no specific grant from any funding agency in the public, commercial or not-for-profit sectors.
Data sharing is not applicable to this article as no new data were created or analysed in this study.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any affiliated agency of the authors.